Tanning for Dummies
by TomRiddleJnr
Summary: Sarutobi insists on orochimaru to get a tan. it is set when the three saanins are 12ish. Characters: orochimaru,tsunade,jiraiya,sarutobi.
1. Chapter 1

**Tanning for Dummies**

Tsunade, jiraiya, orochimaru when they were younger. They are around 12ish.

I don't know sarutobis personality so this is very hard to write. This story is mostly focused on Orochimaru. And Sarutobi doesn't play favourites. Orochimaru is ooc. And Konoha pool is just a random name.

'Hey Orochimaru!! I'd never thought I'd ask this but...why are you so pale??' Jiraiya asked. Tsunade, Jiraiya and Orochimaru were sitting on the floor in a circle, at the park, waiting for their sensei

'Um...err...I was born that way??'

Jiraiya started laughing so hard that Sarutobi appeared out of nowhere and said 'huh?? What happened? Am i late?'

'Of course you are LATE!! What are you talking about?? Why are you late?' Tsunade questioned their sensei.

'Um..well I was err..Sleeping...yeah..Yeah sleeping. I was sleeping!!' Sarutobi seemed to be happy that he made up an excuse on the spot.

'Liar!' murmured Tsunade.

'So what were you guys discussing that made Jiraiya laugh so hard that made me appear?'

'Um...we were laughing about why I was so pale.'

'AHAHAHAHA!! Anyone would laugh at that! Now I get why Jiraiya was laughing.' Sarutobi laughed out aloud. Orochimaru laughed quietly along with the others.

'But I know many ways to fix that problem! And yes Sarutobi will insist on Orochimaru trying these things.'

Orochimaru started listening attentively

'Ok, the first way is just to go for a swim then try sun tanning.'

Orochimaru grabbed up Jiraiya's research notes and started to write these things down.

'I'll tell you myself Orochimaru, these thing WILL NOT work.' Tsunade claimed.

'Shut up boobless!'Orochimaru shouted. Tsunade bopped him in the head.

'Ow!! Anywayz Sarutobi go on!'

'So anywayz I was saying...where's jiraiya??'

'Probably gone doing some research, get on with it!' Orochimaru snapped.

'Ok, ok ah at least one of my students is following my path. Ok next, if that doesn't work then try sun tanning lotion. You can get them from like any chemist or shop like even woolies'

'Where's woolies?' Orochimaru asked as he scribbles furiously down the information given to him by Sarutobi.

'Well if you stopped trying to play with your snakes and actually take them on walks then you would actually see something other than your snake cave for once!'

'Okay okay I'll try fit that into my schedule.'

'And if that doesn't work then we will have to take drastic measures and put you in a sun tanning salon _(is that how you spell it? Or even what it's called?)'_

'Okay anything else?'

'Nup! And good luck with your sun tanning situation! I'm off to help Jiraiya!!'

'Poof' and Sarutobi vanishes

'Hey wait up!! What about our training session?' Tsunade whined to thin air

'Tsunade, it just got cancelled.' Said Orochimaru.

'Damn, anyway im going home...unless... YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU!!'

'um...ok??'

'Yay ok we shall go swimming first!! Go home and get change into your swimmers and meet me at Konoha pool in 5 minutes.'

'HAI BOOBLESS!!'

'STOP calling me boobless!!' Tsunade shouted after orochimaru poofed away into air. Tsunade then also poofed away into thin air.

IN OROCHIMARU'S CAVE........

'hm... i wonder where i put my swimmers...let's see...'

Orochimaru starts chucking snakes everywhere while trying to find his swimmers.

'Snake food...no, snake leash...no, spare robe...no, THONG??...NO!!! sigh where are my swimmers?'

Manda comes along (he is only a baby here) with orochimaru's fluoro orange swimmers.

'Your swimmers are disgraceful! Get new ones!'Manda hissed

'Well I'm sorry but I haven't been shopping for clothes ever since my parents died!'

'Yea yea.' Manda hisses and slithers away.

'Hm... I have to do something with these swimmers.' Orochimaru looks around for a bottle of spray paint.

'Aha! Blue paint? Ah well, it'll have to do, I guess it's better than fluoro orange.'

Orochimaru spray paints his fluoro orange swimmers and lets them dry before wearing them.

'Hm...I...look... weird.' Orochimaru stares at himself in the mirror. 'no wait, I was looking at Manda. No wonder I looked so dark!'

'Idiot!' Manda whispered.

Orochimaru was wearing blue guy swimmers with board short ontop of them.

'Ahhh...much better. I better hurry up or else Tsunade will murder me. Bye Manda.'

'yea what ever.'

Orochimaru poofs out of his house to konoha pool where Tsunade was standing in a bikini, which was too big for her chest, waiting for him.

'YOU'RE late by 2.689203 seconds!' Tsunade shouted.

'You're so precise! And please don't hit me...' Tsunade hits Orochimaru in the head.

'You said that a little too late! Come on lets go in!'

END!! Of first chapter. Hoped you liked it! Its only like 750 words so it's very short.


	2. Chapter 2

The Swimming Pool

I'm sorry this is updated so late but I've been working on my other stories. Anna please review!! Or I won't write this story any more. Sorry but this is seriously getting a bit boring. Anyway...enjoy.

'you're so pale! I mean I thought it was only your face but you're like as white as a ... piece of paper. And you have a very bad body shape.' Said tsunade

'And this is coming from a flat chested bitch who wears bikinis which are too big for her?' orochimaru replied as they walked into the swimming pool.

They dropped their towel onto a nearby bench and tsunade stepped to the deep end's edge. Splash! And tsunade was pushed in by orochimaru.

'You pushed me in? And your not even wet? GET IN! Hey look there's jiraiya.' Tsunade screamed.

Jiraiya walked over to them and pushed orochimaru in. 'Yo. Come to join me in my research?'

Orochimaru said ' no I'm trying to get a tan. Remember?'

'thats . ooo nice body!(to someone else) I'm off. See you later. Sarutobi! I found a sexy girl!!'

'good job jiraiya!' sarutobi shouted back.

Tsunade and orochimaru sweatdropped. They swqam around for a bit and tsunade decided to start the tanning.

'I thought swimming was the tanning. -_- so there's there's more to tanning?'

'YES. Now get your towel and lie on in.'

'mam yes mam.' Orochimaru saluted to tsunade. They all got their towels and lay them on the concrete bit side by side. They both lay on the towel baking in the sun. 'so...um how long do we have to do this for?'

'until you get tan. You can sleep if you want to.'

'um...ok. are you going to sleep too?'

'Yea... I guess. Todays is so boring.'

Orochimaru and Tsunade slept for around...1 hour. When they woke up-

'that was pleasing. OMG!!tsunade! what happened to you? You'll like all black!!' said orochimaru

'WHAT?? REALLY? And you're still as pale as ever. Ok maybe like one shade daker but still like nearly transparent.' Screamed tsunade

'And I'm not joking! You really are black!'

'I'm getting out of here before I get any darker! Want to join me?'

'Ok. I guess the tanning by the pool didn't work...so um whats next on my list?' Orochimaru asked while walking to the change rooms.

'I tell you once I get changes. Meet you outside.'

After Orochimaru had gone in the changing rooms a big 'ARGHHHHHHHHHH!' which sounded like Tsunade could be heard.

After they changed Orochimaru went outside and waited for the darkened Tsunade to come out.

'Damn I look even uglier than you! And that is uglllllllly!!' yelled Tsunade

'calm down Tsunade.'

'ok anywayz the next thing on the list was going to get sun tanning lotion.'

'Want to show me where Woolworth is?'

'ok since I have nothing to do.' Orochimaru followed tsunde to a big supermarket. They walked through the aisle until they found the lotion section.

'pick out something and I'll say if it'll work.'

'ok.' Orochimaru looked up and down and found a bottle of sun tan lotion. 'how about this? It looks good!'

'hm... let me see'

After a few minutes of looking at the bottle Tsunade finally said 'no it won't work. It's from Hong Kong.' (no offence to hong kongian ppl! It's just from a skit in class)

'but there nothing else!'

'Fine then you can buy it.' Orochimaru paid for the item and walked out of the shop. 'I'm going home to try this on. Wanna come?'

'ok. You have a pet snake right?' she asked on the way to Orochimaru's home.

'yeah. It's name's Manda.'

'it's so dark here where are we?'

'er...in a cave?'

'wait! You live in a cave? That is so ironic!! Hahahaha!'

'um...how?'

'I don't know.'

'we're here. Come in.'

'Who is this delicious girl that you have brought me?' asked Manda.

'No Manda! It's a friend.' Orochimaru replied.

'Awww my little Orochimaru has finally grown up.' Manda cried

'I don't think he meant it in that context. Anywayz I'm Tsunade. And you're Manda...the talking snake?'

'Yea I guess.'

'Manda go back to bed! Tsunade I'll show you around.'

'Fine' sulked Manda.

Even more short than the last one but you'll have to deal with it. I'm going to try finish this story. Please review!!=]


	3. Chapter 3

The Snakes Cave

Ok...i'm trying to finish this story so i can write a non-crack fic! (i will totally fail but...w/e) did i update this last week?? I forgot...well i'm updating now! There's probably only going to be like 3 more chapters after this but...i don't know. Enjoy=]

Orochimaru led Tsunade up the rocks that resembles stairs into a circular room made of stone. There was a small grey bed in the centre of the circular room. The room was very messy and it had clothes strewn all over the floor. There was also a can of blue spray paint near the mirror, which stood near the edge of the circular room.

'When was the last time you tidied your room?' Tsunade asked

'err...i forgot. Want to tidy it for me?' Orochimaru asked

'No. Now let's try that spray tan on you.'

'are you sure you don't want to try it first?'

'WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'm already as black as your hair!!'

'OW...my ear.'

Tsunade pulled the bottle of spray tan out of the bag and read the instructions. (i actually don't know what it says on a bottle of spray tan but I'm assuming)

'ok...it says to shake well' said Tsunade. Tsunade shook it very hard. 'i guess we spray now...are you ready?'

'yup! Go ahead' said Orochimaru confidently. Tsunade pulled of the cap and pressed the spray button. A mist of brown coloured stuff landed on Orochimaru's arm and slid of his arm like liquid.

'ok...Whatever you say, just don't say -i told you so-' Orochimaru smiled guiltily. Tsunade rolled her eyes.

'let's try again.' Tsunade pressed the button down again and a brown mist of stuff landed on Orochimaru's other arm and slid of his arm like before. 'i don't think it's going to work' said Tsunade

'yea...me too. I'm never trusting anything made in Hong Kong now!' (No offence) shouted Orochimaru. Orochimaru sat on his bed and pulled of his towel. 'i'm taking a shower.' He said.

'wow,' said Tsunade 'you actually have a bathroom in this cave?' she taunted. Orochimaru just walked off without even turning around. 'if you want to shower...ah...go ask Manda!'

Tsunade picked up her towel and went down stairs to find Manda. 'Manda' she called

'I'm in here...what do you want?' Manda replied

'where exactly is in here?' Tsunade said

'kitchen!' Manda hissed. Tsunade tried her best to find her way to the kitchen. After a few attempts she got it.

'Lounge room...no, washing room...no, study...no. AHA!! The kitchen!' Tsunade walked inand found the oversized snake in a small basket laid with old sheets.

'So...what do you want?' said Manda

'Um...the shower?'

'Oh...i see.' Manda said 'go upstairs and take the first door to the right'

'Thank you.' Said Tsunade and she left. Tsunade climbed up the stairs and walked straight into the room. She turned around.

'AHHHHHHHHHH...what are you doing?' said Orochimaru as he quickly pulled up a towel to cover.

'No...what are you doing?' Tsunade said as she closed her eyes

'Taking a shower? Get out!!'

'Manda!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to kill you!!' Tsunade stormed right out of the room leaving the door open.

'She could have at least CLOSED the door...' Orochimaru sighed

Tsunade ran down the stairs and into the kitchen.

'Hehe...is Orochimaru pretty??' asked Manda. Tsunade punched the snake in the head and said 'you are sooooo dead! Tell me where the other shower is!'

'Ok..ok...women.' Manda muttered. 'It's in the basement. Go downstairs and take the first corridor to the left and the first room.'

Tsunade dropped Manda onto the floor and gave him one last kick in the head before she stormed downstairs. Tsunade found the rooms with ease. The bathroom was very like the other one. It had pale blue tiles, a shower, a bath tub, a mirror and a sink. Tsunade decided to take a nice hot bath. She turned the tap on but the water which flowed out was a murky brown colour.

After a few minutes when Tsunade had finished she walked back to the living room finding Orochimaru sitting on the couch reading the tan spray can.

'Come on...let's go to the tanning booth (I found this word on wiki)' Tsunade grabbed his arm and said goodbye to Manda.

On the way there they met Hiruzen Sarutobi (also found this on wiki;P). 'so...' he said.' What happened to you Tsunade?'

'Don't even ask!' she replied.

'I'll find out sooner or later.' He said trying to not chuckle

'I'd prefer you find out later.'

'So Orochimaru how come she's...you know and you're still like white?'

'I don't know...' Orochimaru shook his head sadly.

'Well all you can do is do your best! Well...I'm off' Hiruzen hurried off.

End of the chapter...that was soooooooooooo short I'm sorry!=]


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